Dumbemployment - Day....?

I think I'm slowly getting stupider. It took me three days to construct that sentence. And I think there's no more popsicle sticks so I think I'm out of ideas of things to do. Seriously. Dummer.

And I have a sudden and annoying interest in our energy bill. I look at the meter every time I leave and every time I get back. 1. Why can't I just relax at home and 2. Wtf. That's like the least interesting thing I could spend my brainpower thinking about or doing.

I am reading more books, but it's kind of..fluffy. I don't know. It's like...reading Jurassic Park - it's fun to read about dinosaurs going crazy and chasing people down and eating them, but it also feels good to read books with big words cuz it makes ya feel smart. But, it's kind of fluffy.

Also, my English is not so good anymore. I am proooobably talking with people more frequently during the day, but it's kind of longer and less directional and I don't feel like I put much effort into forming sentences correctly and comprehenisbly.

Dumberemployment. Here's a picture - go here:

Upstairs knows no socks

A certain Republican Representative from Louisiana who lives above my head does not take his shoes off in his own home. And I saw him the other day and he called me "downstairs." It's funny cuz it's not my name. Ass doesn't even know socks.

Funemployment - day 7?

Who the hell knows anymore? I don't even know what day it is...oh, it's Tuesday. Happy Tuesday.

I feel the loneliness, futility and sadness starting to creep in. I feel alone in this, which is not good. I feel sort-of supported, but only in the superficial things. "Hey there...it'll be ok, you'll get a job and feel like you have purpose again, don't worry!" I guess it's probably hard for people to deal with - survivor's guilt or something. Don't know. Don't care.

Also, I've been on the phone with the Department of Unemployment for 49 minutes and 46 seconds...now. Just to confirm some information. This is bullshit.

Who am I in this city, in this society, without my job? What defines me? I'm trying to stay happy, trying to keep people happy, but it's not working out. I just feel more alone for trying. So, SCREW IT.

The world is bullshit. All of it. And if anyone tells you differently, kick them in the shin and they will understand the truth.

Funemplyment - Day 4?

Happy Turkey Day. At the boyfriends cousins in NYC. And I am really grateful and thankful to be here and to experience so much generosity from strangers. I feel kind of isolated and floaty...like a tagalong guest. I feel incredibly welcome but disconnected. I feel like I'm just floating, without focus or ambition or purpose. I guess its no different than how I felt with a job, but its still a little weird. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel supported...sort of. I don't know anymore. I don't know that I matter, but I don't know that I care as much as I once did. I don't know what matters, if anything.

There is so much corruption and cheating and ugliness...and so many sad people just trying to get by and trying to make their lives important. And it must be maddening to feel like you can't get ahead, like no one cares. It's not easy, but we can't act as though any of this is surprising. It's not. And its hard to care about other people.

But we have to try. We have to try to be something better. Otherwise, are we human or just robots?

Funemployment - day 2?

This is the second official day of unemployment, I think.  I got laid off last Wednesday, effective last Friday, but I didn't work after I got the news so....yeah.  We'll just call it day 2.  It makes all of my laziness look a little better.

So...it's been harder than I realized to relax.  It's incredible to not have to be anywhere at a particular time, but it's unnerving, too.  I think it's...being with myself after so long that's the issue.  Having the time to do stuff I believe in or am passionate about is not all it's cracked up to be.  After all, I didn't have to TRULY be passionate about much (relatively) when I was working because I always had the excuse of "oh, if I had more time, I would totally do that!".  Now I don't have that excuse and there's a LOT of time.  Additionally, because this is Thanksgiving week, it's not productive to apply for jobs!  No one is at their desk!  Or so I tell myself.

I've been thinking a lot about our police state, too, since I have the time to think about it.  Although it is depressing, it is very interesting.  It's interesting to think about the system we've created for a 'successful' life.  We encourage people to be selfish and to only think of their own interests.  In fact, if someone thinks of the greater good too much, it'll impede their money-making abilities.  It's totally fucked up.

Anyway, that's probably enough for now.  I will *try* to write every day.  No promises as I've already forgotten what month it is and the last time I washed this bathrobe...