Funemplyment - Day 4?

Happy Turkey Day. At the boyfriends cousins in NYC. And I am really grateful and thankful to be here and to experience so much generosity from strangers. I feel kind of isolated and floaty...like a tagalong guest. I feel incredibly welcome but disconnected. I feel like I'm just floating, without focus or ambition or purpose. I guess its no different than how I felt with a job, but its still a little weird. I don't feel like I belong anywhere. I feel supported...sort of. I don't know anymore. I don't know that I matter, but I don't know that I care as much as I once did. I don't know what matters, if anything.

There is so much corruption and cheating and ugliness...and so many sad people just trying to get by and trying to make their lives important. And it must be maddening to feel like you can't get ahead, like no one cares. It's not easy, but we can't act as though any of this is surprising. It's not. And its hard to care about other people.

But we have to try. We have to try to be something better. Otherwise, are we human or just robots?

Funemployment - day 2?

This is the second official day of unemployment, I think.  I got laid off last Wednesday, effective last Friday, but I didn't work after I got the news so....yeah.  We'll just call it day 2.  It makes all of my laziness look a little better.

So...it's been harder than I realized to relax.  It's incredible to not have to be anywhere at a particular time, but it's unnerving, too.  I think it's...being with myself after so long that's the issue.  Having the time to do stuff I believe in or am passionate about is not all it's cracked up to be.  After all, I didn't have to TRULY be passionate about much (relatively) when I was working because I always had the excuse of "oh, if I had more time, I would totally do that!".  Now I don't have that excuse and there's a LOT of time.  Additionally, because this is Thanksgiving week, it's not productive to apply for jobs!  No one is at their desk!  Or so I tell myself.

I've been thinking a lot about our police state, too, since I have the time to think about it.  Although it is depressing, it is very interesting.  It's interesting to think about the system we've created for a 'successful' life.  We encourage people to be selfish and to only think of their own interests.  In fact, if someone thinks of the greater good too much, it'll impede their money-making abilities.  It's totally fucked up.

Anyway, that's probably enough for now.  I will *try* to write every day.  No promises as I've already forgotten what month it is and the last time I washed this bathrobe...

Hey, a-hole, wear a helmet

Yeah, you on the bike with the naked head.  Yeah, you.  Let's deflate some myths about wearing a helmet:

1. A helmet makes my head look fat.

Not true!  Your helmet makes your ass look small.

2. I'm not going very fast and/or the cars around me aren't going very fast.

False.  Did you know that over 9,000% of all biking accidents occur in parking lots?

3. It's my safety, I'm not hurting anyone.

Wrong.  What if some distracted mother of 5 doesn't see you run that stop sign?  After she's hassled by her insurance and denied a claim on some technicality, she'll be paying for your brain-damage needs and meds for the rest of her life.  She'll eventually become desperate, entwined in a Ponzi scheme and will spend the rest of her life in a minimum-security prison, exploring the psychological damage inflicted on her by alcoholic parents and knitting sweaters for Kittens without Borders.

And little Tommy, Suzy, Joquane, Peaches and Delilah?  They'll be selling crack and lemonade on the corner across from the cardboard box they'll call home for 5 years - until foster care splits them up and ships them off.  Needless to say, Delilah will eventually take her sadness and anger out on the rest of the American population and become Vice President of the United States, succeeding in taking away woman's rights, children's rights, immigrants rights, men's rights and being a leading advocate of corporal punishment for jay walkers.

But, at least your hair will look good, you brain-dead veg-head.

J

I start with your shape.
Well, not your shape, not yet.
But shapes that will mean you
when I am done.

Your shoulders are first.
They keep me grounded
while anticipating
the simple lines of your neck.

I'll never get it right - you know
your neck.
I haven't progressed beyond
simple circles.

But to draw your face
your Wonderful Face!
How could I even try!
It's so much more than circular!

for now, you will face away from me,
until I learn you.
and learn how to draw
your lines.

You make me feel

You make me feel like a child - I want to run with you and dance and yell - so eager to be with you that hours seem like years.
You make me feel like a teenager - wanting to devour your physical self until it's mine - so wild with lust that a kiss seems like a lifetime.
You make me feel like a sage - analyzing, realizing, demystifying everything.- watching the world with you makes years seem like seconds.
You make me feel like a woman - waking with your hair in my face, keeping you warm, holding you tight - even if it's only for 5 more minutes.

I sit on my couch

I laugh when they laugh, I cry when they cry
Will you save her Superman, or will she die?

I believe what they say, I know what they mean.
The world is my TV, my eyes are the screen

Looking for excuses to justify
our other lives, our secrets, lies
What are we really about?

I'm always about me
you're always about you
grasping for Some Next Better

There's no time to jump in
to let go
if ideals are not spent here

Maybe the physical connection is
the only Real connection
anyway